American Commando Ninja

From the archive

American Commando Ninja (1988)People criticize Joseph Lai, Betty Chan and Godfrey Ho for the quality of their cut-and-paste ninja nonsense but, as this blog can testify, these films – by their very nature – can sometimes produce greatness. I thought that, left to their own devices with a full-length no-budget ninja script to shoot on videotape, the results were far worse but thanks (as ever) to Jesus from Golden Ninja Warrior Chronicles, I’ve since found out that this movie is also something of a con job. It’s apparently part of a Taiwanese TV series (as yet unidentified) that was chopped into two “films” – this and Born A Ninja – then redubbed and released by their company AAV. I went into American Commando Ninja (aka Silent Killers) as a veteran of these types of film yet still came out a broken man. I don’t want to speak too soon, as there are still hundreds to get through but I think this might just be the worst ninja film ever made…I’m going to have a crack at deciphering the plot but it’s particularly weird and incoherent. It opens with a Japanese ninja called David being sent to China on the trail of the ever-present secret formula. It’s apparently something that evil scientist Tanaka invented as a biological weapon in WWII. Also on Tanaka’s trail are some Russians, a Triad boss named Martin and a pair of plucky young female martial artists, Brenda and Becky, whose parents were killed by Tanaka’s formula during the war. Let’s put aside, for a moment, the fact that this film is shot and set in the late 80s and that Tanaka looks about 35 and Brenda and Becky about 23 at most (we will, I promise, come back to this). Let’s also put aside, forever, the fact that Brenda wears a pair of shorts fashioned from a Confederate flag… Becky captures Tanaka pretty early on and forces him to go to the place where he’s hidden the secret formula (hilariously, to really throw everyone off, it’s buried in HIS OWN BACK YARD). She gives him a shovel and tells him to get digging for it and, if it’s not there, he’ll have dug his own grave (probably the best line in the movie). Just as he retrieves it, however, all the other people on his trail show up at the same time and have a massive fight. This sort of makes sense until, out of the blue, a completely random dude in a neon orange top rocks up, calling himself Larry and proclaiming himself master of the kung fu style known as Hocus Pocus (I’m not making this up). This means he can shoot flames out of his fingers and do tricks with wires. David is so awestruck by Hocus Pocus Style that he proclaims Larry his equal and insists they team up. While these two bros merrily bond over a meal at a nearby restaurant, Tanaka (and everyone else) vanishes and the chase begins anew FOR NO GOOD REASON. It’s like they had enough script for these first 20 minutes (which should’ve logically concluded with the back yard fight) and the rest was just made up as they went along. Who Larry is, what his motivations are or why he’s there at all are questions never answered. In fact, the film ends on a note that makes me wonder if he was David’s imaginary friend all along… That would make as much sense as anything else in the film. As for Brenda, her lifelong mission to avenge the death of her parents during WWII is eventually undermined by a climactic scene in which David explains to her “If your parents were killed in WWII that would make you at least 40 years old. Are you 40?” She shakes her head sadly as she realises HER ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE… but it took David’s cold, hard logic to make her see it! “Are you 40?” NRRRRGH. MY BRAIN HURTS. THIS IS A SCENE THAT REALLY HAPPENS. And I haven’t even got to the part where they decide that in order to use the formula you will need to be in possession of “THE GOLDEN HORNS” (which, sadly, we never actually see because these goobers running around with gold horns strapped to their heads would’ve added some much-needed life to the proceedings). The whole mess concludes with a fight on what looks like a Buddhist Crazy Golf course. At first, I found the fact that it was shot on video quite exciting because video always feel more “real” than film. It was almost like watching an IFD film but “Behind The Scenes”. In fact, it’s rare seeing choreographed martial arts on video at all and even though the fighting here is largely quite average, it’s interesting for at least five minutes. Of course, when the fact it’s SOV is the only thing worth recommending it for, you know you’re on shaky ground. The rest of American Commando Ninja is brain-batteringly bad. It’s hard to describe exactly what’s so uniquely cretinous about American Commando Ninja versus any other lesser quality Lai/Ho effort (Godfrey Ho, incidentally, is credited as “Story Developer” on this) but, at times, I thought I might cry from how much it hurt to watch these non-actors slowly delivering dialogue that made no sense (“I got some news for you! Good news!“ says one. “Goose?” replies the other). I wondered if maybe it was some kind of mental reprogramming experiment. At other times, I thought I might die laughing from either the low quality of the stunts (a man is apparently pushed from a moving car although all we see is one man in close-up pushing thin air and the other then rolling around in the middle of the road for what feels like a lifetime) or the incredible late 80s fashions (almost everyone wears bright neon and/or garish Hawaiian patterns). The disco sequence, seemingly shot in someone’s hotel room, is particularly special (I’d love to know what the song is – sounds like an Asian David Byrne fronting Boney M singing about “a tiger of the night”) but none of these scant entertaining elements are enough to fix what is mostly a very tedious experience. There’s almost nothing to anchor this to the reality of what normally constitutes a film. The dialogue feels like someone reading aloud from the worst translated subtitles you’ve ever seen, the static videography could’ve been done by a corpse clutching a camcorder, the story is utterly unfathomable. If I can take any comfort from American Commando Ninja (EVEN THE TITLE IS NONSENSE), I’m just glad that this and Born A Ninja are (as far as I know?) unique in the AAV canon and the only shot-on-video made-for-TV ninja films they ever put out. Although now, inevitably, someone’s going to comment and tell me there are more… and, inevitably, I’m going to watch them… American Commando Ninja by Chris The Brain · Published June 28, 2016 · Updated June 27, 2016 As time marches on I guess it is only natural for a person to look back on their earlier years with great fondness. The good ol’ days if you will. As an action movie fanatic it would be very easy for me to make the blanket statement that the action movies of the 1980’s were the greatest action movies of all-time and no matter how hard movies try, no matter the size of their budget that no action movie made today could even come close to those that were being produced in the 1980’s. I could even take it a step further and say that even the worst 80’s actioner is still better than most of what is being released today… I could do that, but I won’t because that’s a damn lie. And here’s the movie that proves that not everything was better in the 1980’s… Golden Years: While American Commando Ninja may have been released in 1988, the same year as movies like Die Hard, Bloodsport, Above the Law and Action Jackson, it will never be regarded as an action classic. I’m sure the mashed up title of the movie was supposed to make an unsuspecting public believe it was going to be an action classic injecting over the top Arnold like action with the martial artistry of a Michael Dudikoff film, but the title actually makes about as much sense as the rest of the movie, since there is not an American to be found in the film, not to mention the total lack of commandos. There is however a ninja… a ninja named David. David is described by his sensei as very good… that’s right American Commando Ninja does not need a ninja master, it just needed a very good ninja. David the Ninja is given his assignment, he has to go to Taiwan (where the movie was filmed) to find a scientist named Tanaka. Tanaka developed a germ warfare weapon during World War II and now he is being sought after by various nefarious groups for his secret formula. Tanaka must have been the Doogie Howser of Japan, because based on his looks, he would have been a kid during World War II. Fashion: I would be willing to bet that American Commando Ninja has made quite a few “Worst” lists in its time. I know it would join Zardoz on my list of worst dressed movie characters of all-time. First of all, David the Ninja is often wearing some very non-ninja like clothing in the movie. Brightly colored shirts and pants and those multi-colored jams shorts that were all the rage in the late 80’s… can you picture Sho Kosugi wearing any of that?!? And let’s not forget the lovely ladies of American Commando Ninja. Both women, who are helping their bad guy uncle get the formula from Tanaka, have their own unique style, one wears bedazzled clothes, the other had on Confederate flag shorts during her first appearance in the film. And I’m guessing a yellow shirt with black accents would not be my first choice if I had a pair of Confederate flag shorts on. Heroes: At one point in the movie David the Ninja encounters a practitioner of “Hocus Pocus”. (He can shoot fire out of his fingertips!) The two go head to head in what could be described as a very good scene, at least the best scene in this piece of crap movie. The fight stops after David removes his ninja mask and says to his foe, “I really appreciate your bravery. You are quite a guy.” And just like that the foes are friends. If only all conflict could end so peacefully. We find out “Hocus Pocus” guy is named Larry Chan and it isn’t long before Larry and David go out on a man date and go over their strategy to retrieve Tanaka’s formula before it gets into the wrong hands. And this is when I was really wishing that this movie never got into my hands. Speaking of hands, David and Larry share a really awkward and prolonged handshake at the end of the movie. Where Are We Now?: Given the simplistic plot of American Commando Ninja, you would think it would be relatively easy to follow, but it is not. The movie is all over the place. Tanaka is either getting his ass kicked or tortured by one of the characters for the entire movie. I can’t even remember what happens to him at the end. He may still be in that 55 gallon drum of water that the uncle put him in. And speaking of the uncle, I’m not sure he was actually the uncle of the two sisters in the movie. I’m not even sure they were sisters. The one who wore the Confederate flag shorts had an English accent. And why was the Russian guy always laughing. And was he even Russian? He didn’t sound Russian and his goon had on a yellow sport coat from the Sonny Crockett collection. And why did David wear his ninja gear at times and then other times he would just fight in his lime green pants!? This may be one of those movies that was designed to be watched while intoxicated. I can’t help but think garbage movies like this are what cut the career of Sho Kosugi short here in the United States. American Commando Ninja is a horrible representation of the ninja genre and really tarnishes the work that Kosugi did to popularize ninja movies in the 1980’s. In general, it is a black eye on 1980’s action movies and I’m thankful they never made a sequel titled Avenging Terminator Force. So unless you are a fan of really terrible movies or you want to go into this movie with the mindset that it is a comedy (it may very well be funnier than 1988’s Caddyshack II), you really should NOT watch American Commando Ninja. But for those of you who are not going to heed my advice, here are some things to look and listen for… Religious Advice: “I told you never trust a scientist.” – The UncleMan vs. Furniture: A frustrated Tanaka beats up a chair early on in the film. He doesn’t just kick it, he really works this chair over for a few minutes.Disturbing Quote #1: “Where are the dancing boys?” – LarryWhich Came First?: Our first look at Tanaka has him coming down an escalator at the airport. I couldn’t help but recall another 1988 film, Rain Man, while watching.Disturbing Quote #2: “Do you know what it is like to eat another human being?” – The Uncle